Ugh. I do this thing. This thing I hate...and I am going to tell you about it because as I have mentioned before, this blog is focused on how to incorporate a healthy lifestyle into everyday life. I think that part of being healthy is figuring how to get over our "downs," so we can continue to have more "ups."
I started writing because I wanted to share with the people I love, and the fabulous people I've met along the way the ways I have found to make living health, possible. I want to share with you all of the fantastic tips I come across, the greatest healthy recipes, awesome workouts, and at the same time I want you to learn from my mistakes, hoping that maybe you can save yourself some grief.
So...remember the competition at work? Well, I thought that it ended last Monday. I had it in my head that I was going to be P-E-R-F-E-C-T until then. For the most part, I was. I did a pretty dang good job of sticking to my regimen if I do say so myself. I weighed in on this past Monday feeling really REALLY positive. I felt accomplished, and although I knew another coworker was also, SMOKIN' it, I was really proud of myself for what I'd been able to do.
I stepped on the scale to find that my total weight lost over our 6 week competition was a little over ten pounds. That is HUGE for me. Generally speaking I've found that my metabolism doesn't really agree with me. I workout a ton, and I eat really healthy, and I usually stay pretty much the same. So, as you can imagine, I was very happy to see some results. I thought I'd probably finish in 2nd or 3rd, and I was ok with that. (Remember, the peeps I work with are hard core athletes.)Although winning the money would have been AWESOME. Ten pounds is my own victory. It also showed me that although I still had some goals I wanted to accomplish body composition-wise, I felt empowered, like I could do it.
Well, I found out a little later in the day that I was wrong. The competition went for one more week. This may not seem like a huge deal. However, I knew I was going to be leaving to come to Arizona on Thursday. I was going to be out of my element, and out of my routine, and I planned on giving myself the weekend to just enjoy my family and NOT stress about that for once in six weeks, not record my every calorie, and not worry about eating out.
I am very lucky. My family is really healthy. Coming home doesn't mean cupboards full of crappy food, stressing about when I could possibly get a workout in, and battling unhealthy habits. My mom is an awesomely healthy cook, I always work out most days when I'm home, and my families topics of conversation revolves a lot around good health as weird as that may be. Coming home shouldn't have sent me panicking about this new added week of competition.
But...I am who I am.
I have had it in the back of my mind the whole time. I promised myself I wasn't going to record my calories, I would allow myself a few indulgences, and just remember how hard I've worked these past few weeks.
From an outsiders perspective: One would say not bad. Although I didn't get to work out on Thursday when I traveled. I got in an awesome workout on both Friday and Saturday. My family ate at Pita Jungle (pita), Paradise Bakery (salad), and Sweet Tomatoes (salad). All healthy choices. We've had some fat free frozen yogurt, I've eaten 2 peanut butter protein balls, and in honor of my Valentines Free Day I had some Valentines Candy...but probably less than most people eat in normal amounts of candy and treats in a day. I think a lot of people would consider this a great success. I however (as far as my diet/workout regimen goes) feel like I've totally failed this weekend.
From My perspective: I missed Thursday's workout. I didn't record my calories. I feel like my diet has been awful because it hasn't been as perfect as this past few weeks, but like I mentioned before it's me being extremely hard on myself. I have mentioned before that I am an all or nothing person, so I feel like because I haven't been perfect I have failed completely. I think this last weigh in for our competition is part of the reason I feel this way. Instead of going home and getting back into my routine and feeling glad to be back at it. I fear that I'll go back to weigh in and feel like I've failed because I didn't lose again. The reality of it is I have eaten healthy foods. I have exercised, and I am being extra hard on myself.
I know this is an unhealthy mindset, and that is why I wanted to write about it. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we play into the the feelings of self defeat that loom in the back of our minds instead of recognizing the positives that we should be happy about. I make it a point to always ask my clients what POSITIVE strides they have made in the past week, and build on them instead of always focusing on what they didn't do. Yet, I can't seem to do the same for myself. That seems wrong. I think there is a happy medium here. We need to recognize when we can improve, but also recognize when we need to be proud of ourselves.
I am striving to find that place where I can allow myself to let go a little bit and not be so hard on myself, because I hate when I do this. I have OF COURSE loved being home. We've had so so so much fun, but I don't want these negative feelings I have in the back of my head to stop me from fully enjoying my family ever again. My new goal for myself for this year is to figure out how to allow myself a little wiggle room without feeling so bad about it. I want to do this so I can help others do the same.
Like I said. I am who I am, and I'm learning. Still learning.
So, am I completely crazy? (Rhetorical question.) Do you ever feel self defeat? If so, how do you rise above it? Are you as hard on yourself as I am?? Sheesh...I hope not!
Happy B-day to JANAE!! One of my favorite people in this world. I love you to pieces girlie, and i can't wait for our Pizza Factory date!! xoxoxo