Sunday, February 13, 2011

Learning. Still Learning.

Ugh. I do this thing. This thing I hate...and I am going to tell you about it because as I have mentioned before, this blog is focused on how to incorporate a healthy lifestyle into everyday life. I think that part of being healthy is figuring how to get over our "downs," so we can continue to have more "ups."

I started writing because I wanted to share with the people I love, and the fabulous people I've met along the way the ways I have found to make living health, possible. I want to share with you all of the fantastic tips I come across, the greatest healthy recipes, awesome workouts, and at the same time I want you to learn from my mistakes, hoping that maybe you can save yourself some grief.

So...remember the competition at work? Well, I thought that it ended last Monday. I had it in my head that I was going to be P-E-R-F-E-C-T until then. For the most part, I was. I did a pretty dang good job of sticking to my regimen if I do say so myself. I weighed in on this past Monday feeling really REALLY positive. I felt accomplished, and although I knew another coworker was also, SMOKIN' it,  I was really proud of myself for what I'd been able to do.
I stepped on the scale to find that my total weight lost over our 6 week competition was a little over ten pounds. That is HUGE for me. Generally speaking I've found that my metabolism doesn't really agree with me. I workout a ton, and I eat really healthy, and I usually stay pretty much the same. So, as you can imagine, I was very happy to see some results. I thought I'd probably finish in 2nd or 3rd, and I was ok with that. (Remember, the peeps I work with are hard core athletes.)Although winning the money would have been AWESOME. Ten pounds is my own victory. It also showed me that although I still had some goals I wanted to accomplish body composition-wise, I felt empowered, like I could do it.

Well, I found out a little later in the day that I was wrong. The competition went for one more week. This may not seem like a huge deal. However, I knew I was going to be leaving to come to Arizona on Thursday.  I was going to be out of my element, and out of my routine, and I planned on giving myself the weekend to just enjoy my family and NOT stress about that for once in six weeks, not record my every calorie, and not worry about eating out. 

I am very lucky. My family is really healthy. Coming home doesn't mean cupboards full of crappy food, stressing about when I could possibly get a workout in, and battling unhealthy habits. My mom is an awesomely healthy cook, I always work out most days when I'm home, and my families topics of conversation revolves a lot around good health as weird as that may be. Coming home shouldn't have sent me panicking about this new added week of competition.

But...I am who I am.

I have had it in the back of my mind the whole time. I promised myself I wasn't going to record my calories, I would allow myself a few indulgences, and just remember how hard I've worked these past few weeks.
From an outsiders perspective: One would say not bad. Although I didn't get to work out on Thursday when I traveled. I got in an awesome workout on both Friday and Saturday. My family ate at Pita Jungle (pita), Paradise Bakery (salad), and Sweet Tomatoes (salad). All healthy choices. We've had some fat free frozen yogurt, I've eaten 2 peanut butter protein balls, and in honor of my Valentines Free Day I had some Valentines Candy...but probably less than most people eat in normal amounts of candy and treats in a day. I think a lot of people would consider this a great success. I however (as far as my diet/workout regimen goes) feel like I've totally failed this weekend.

From My perspective: I missed Thursday's workout. I didn't record my calories. I feel like my diet has been awful because it hasn't been as perfect as this past few weeks, but like I mentioned before it's me being extremely hard on myself. I have mentioned before that I am an all or nothing person, so I feel like because I haven't been perfect I have failed completely. I think this last weigh in for our competition is part of the reason I feel this way. Instead of going home and getting back into my routine and feeling glad to be back at it. I fear that I'll go back to weigh in and feel like I've failed because I didn't lose again. The reality of it is I have eaten healthy foods. I have exercised, and I am being extra hard on myself.

I know this is an unhealthy mindset, and that is why I wanted to write about it. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we play into the the feelings of self defeat that loom in the back of our minds instead of recognizing the positives that we should be happy about. I make it a point to always ask my clients what POSITIVE strides they have made in the past week, and build on them instead of always focusing on what they didn't do. Yet, I can't seem to do the same for myself. That seems wrong. I think there is a happy medium here. We need to recognize when we can improve, but also recognize when we need to be proud of ourselves.

I am striving to find that place where I can allow myself to let go a little bit and not be so hard on myself, because I hate when I do this. I have OF COURSE loved being home. We've had so so so much fun, but I don't want these negative feelings I have in the back of my head to stop me from fully enjoying my family ever again. My new goal for myself for this year is to figure out how to allow myself a little wiggle room without feeling so bad about it. I want to do this so I can help others do the same.

Like I said. I am who I am, and I'm learning. Still learning.

So, am I completely crazy? (Rhetorical question.) Do you ever feel self defeat? If so, how do you rise above it? Are you as hard on yourself as I am?? Sheesh...I hope not!

Happy B-day to JANAE!! One of my favorite people in this world.  I love you to pieces girlie, and i can't wait for our Pizza Factory date!! xoxoxo


Kate said...

I love your honesty. I think the important thing is that you recognize how hard you are on yourself. You recognize these thoughts and realize they may not be healthy. That shows you have probably grown a lot over time. It is something I think we will deal with for a very long time. I hope one day I am easier on myself, but I still struggle with this. I beat myself up after a bad run. I constantly complain that I "eat wayyy too much!" I say it every day. I think with recognition and constant effort, we will overcome those nasty little voices in our heads. The critic will eventually get softer and our inner cheerleader will get louder. That is my hope, anyway.

great post girlie!

Stephanie said...

This post was awesome because of your honesty. I think you realize that the treats and day off you gave yourself is well within the scope of good health. Maybe you're just disappointed because you lost control of your actions when you realized that the competition was still going? Whenever shit hits the fan I do everything to positive self-talk myself out of it.

LOVE yourself today!!! :)

Mara... said...

I feel like you opened up my brain and saw exactly what i've been feeling lately!! What is it about being so hard on ourselves??? I can dish out the BEST advice to my girlfriends but can't seem to take it for myself. I am going on week 3of an ankle injury which means NO running. And because of that, i've let my diet go to crap. Why?? Because i'm feeling sorry for myself and all that self doubt creeps in. NO reason to let my diet suffer, but I do it. I struggle with it every single day and I so appreciate your honesty.

Your weight loss up to this point is amazing!!! Focus on that and be proud and enjoy your family time. That is so important. Hang in there!!

Nicole said...

Great post, because it's so honest and relatable! I think everyone has feelings of doubt at some point. It's great that you realize beating yourself up over really minor things is no way to live and that you want to change that. Finding balance is one of the hardest things to do because it's much easier to be on one other side of the extremes.
All in all, missing one workout and having a bit of candy shouldn't wreck your weight loss, and I'm sure you're still going do really well in your competition! I've learned to become my own biggest fan- I remind myself that I'm doing my best, or if I'm not then I tell myself to get it together. That sounds terribly cheesy but it's true.
Hope you enjoyed your weekend! Ten pounds is amazing, way to go!

Jen said...

Sometimes our own advice is the hardest to take. But you can rest assured knowing that you did awesome. That is a huge accomplishment. And just knowing that you were capable of it is huge. As driven people, it's easy to get down on ourselves. But that in itself is a positive. At least you care about improving yourself. I think you were right, focus on the positives.

Trav and Linds said...

Megs, you are so amazing and are my idol in so many ways! You are so dedicated in your work, your workouts and your eating and you look A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! I wish I had just an ounce of your willpower and determination! Love ya!

Kimberly @ Im Not Done said...

Yes, I am way hard on myself. I am sick right now and can't workout, and I am about to lose it!

I keep trying to tell myself to chill and enjoy the rest, but it is so tough!!

The Hungry Runner Girl said...

Honey, thank you for sharing this because so many of us struggle with the same things. It is so much easier to tell someone..but you look perfect, you are a workout machine and you eat better than 99.99999% of the world but it is so hard to believe it. Especially, being woman we are so hard on ourselves. I didn't wake up this morning to run because we were up past midnight doing b-day stuff and I have been so grumpy all day at myself about it. You would say,"janae you are being crazy" but mentally something is a little messed up here too. Just know that I am here for you and I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. I LOVE you so much and I THINK YOU LOOK AMAZING. You are my idol and I love you to pieces. Thanks for the shout out gorgeous and I can't wait until WEDNESDAY!!!!

marathonmaiden said...

((hugs)) it's so refreshing to read your honesty! i tend to be very hard on myself all the time. and i really don't ever give myself a break until a friend actually tells me too. so i guess i'm still learning too!

Allie said...

I'm insanely hard on myself, I feel you there. It's a process removing these negative/self-sabotaging thoughts from your head. I say, it's Valentine's Day -so give yourself a little love today :-) Keep up your hard work!

Candi said...

Sometimes I think that im the only one that feels that way and im glad that others do to. Im feel like Im eigther 100 percent perfect or 100 so off the wagon I need to learn to balance between the two. I guess we all have our struggles and we need to learn to be happy with how we are and what we did do.

Reese's Runner said...

Great post! It's so hard to control eating/exercise when you aren't home. It does suck, but I think we have all been there. Thanks for being honest! And 10 pounds is May-Jah!

Amanda@runninghood said...

Ah, I just read this. So sorry I am horrible at keeping up on blogs. 3 kids take it out of me...blogs are hit and miss with me. Thanks for sharing this. I loved your words of honesty! I say that you seem to already know in your heart what to do...I think if you want to keep going iwth this competition then you will rock it but I also think that it is OKAY to just go and enjoy yourself and let go of control and just've already won beautiful! :)

Danielle said...

I can totally relate to this entire post. I have been struggling with my eating habits lately and I think this was just what I needed to read. THANKS!!

Sabrina @ Radioactive Runner said...

I just came across your blog (from Janae's) and I really like it so I wanted to say hi!! i love your honesty in this post.
Reading it reminded me so much of myself.
Are you completely crazy? HECK NO! Are you hard on yourself? It definitely sounds like it.. but at least you recognize that, right? :)
I like to think that I'm not AS hard on myself as I used to be,.. but sometimes I catch myself falling back into my old routine. I would count calories, re-count, restrict and obsessively exercise and if I didn't get my work out in, it really was the end of the world. I wouldn't go out with friends because I didn't want to put myself in that position of worrying about having a drink (that would mean more calories) or eating. i would rather stay home and rest up for my next workout. I'm not saying your that hardcore (like i said this is my first time visiting your site!), but what i would like to tell you is that we are all human and we all make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up for it because really, if you have a few extra calories, cut a workout short or even miss a workout... at the end of the day what really matters is your health and your family and loved ones. Life is to short and they will not always be around. It's sad, but it's true. If you forget to count your calories, or miss a workout your family is still going to love you for you. So I think it's important that we learn to love ourselves too and not be so hard on ourselves. You're right about the happy medium... it's just a matter of trying to find that happy medium for you..obviously its different for everyone!! Please forgive me if I read to deeply into this post :).. like I said it really did get me thinking about how I was/am.

Cody Sanders said...

Megs, You rocked the competition! You took second place, and crushed all of the boys in the group, not an easy thing to do (I know)! I love you and you inspire me everyday, I'm going to give you a big hug around what is left of you next time I see you!